I remember my thoughts so clearly as I pulled into the driveway of our Kaysville home one afternoon. I thought to myself, "I would die if I found out I was pregnant." At that time, we had only been married a couple of years...but we married young and were by no means ready to be parents. Just the thought of getting pregnant sent me into a panic.
My thoughts are definitely different these days. We now have 9 years of marriage under our belt and would love nothing more than to have a baby.
It was March of 2007 when both Curtis and I said, "it's time!" So...we ditched the protection and began our quest to making a baby....a task we didn't think would be so difficult.
4 years and 8 months later...still no baby. Not even a pregnancy.
It's tough. It's hard to describe the feelings that come with infertility. Maybe because the emotions that come with it are all over the place.
One moment I am optimistic. Then the next moment I am in a tizzy upon learning that the closest infertility specialist is 3-1/2 hours away (one way...darn you small town Wyoming). Sometimes I think, "it's okay, it will happen....eventually." Other times all I can think about is how much I want a baby NOW. There are feelings of anger, jealousy, frustration, confusion, etc. But there are also feelings of peace and contentment. I love my husband and I love the uninterrupted time that we have had together. I love the bond we've created and the experiences we've shared.
Sometimes I just have to laugh and say to Curtis, "can you believe we don't have kids?" "Isn't that crazy!?!" It's usually followed by, "can you believe we live in Thermopolis....isn't that crazy!?!"
Life is what it is and I guess we just have to learn to roll with the punches. And to enjoy all the good, happy things.
Last week Curtis said to me....
"You know what I'm going to miss when we have kids?
. . .Walking around the house naked."
So...by golly, I will continue to enjoy that too!!
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